Creating Boundaries and Accepting We Can't Walk on Water
Over achievers have an incredibly difficult time maintaining boundaries in a stressful and demanding work environment. If a project isn't completed on time, or disappointment is expressed towards the outcome, their feelings of total defeat can war with a desire to defend the herculean efforts they have gone to attempting to meet the goals. Often these individuals then push even fharder and tend to lose themselves in the effort to gain approval which can lead to burnout.
*Trigger Warning*
What drives this push? As children, perfectionists/over achievers were very focused on gaining approval from their caregivers. Pleasing them meant gaining much desired approval, love and attention, or in drastic circumstances it meant safety. Being that our caregivers were the ones who fed us and kept a roof over our heads, is it so surprising that as adults we might equate our employers to a similar level of importance? What do our boundaries matter when we perceive our very survival to be at stake if we don't meet the deadline, or satisfy the requirements of the "higher ups".
So how do we untangle all of this?
🌱 Acknowledge the part of YOU that wants to make everyone happy, and do everything perfectly. Take time to journal and give this worried child within you compassion and understanding. (If this exploration ignites a stress response, please consider obtaining additional assistance from a therapist so you can safely navigate these traumatic memories.)
🌱 Start small by making a list of things that make YOU happy, and one by one start creating boundaries to make time for these small joys. Block time in your calendar for taking a walk, going to get coffee, or going out to lunch.
🌱Identify your values, the aspects of your life that you want to protect. Family time, personal time, mental and physical healthy habits that you want to establish, and take time to write these down so you can make them your compass.
🌱 Begin journaling about defining what doing YOUR best means to YOU. NOT the PERCEPTION of what you think your Manager or Customers want from you, but what matters most to YOU and YOUR work ethic. Such as hours you want to work, level of effort, or pre- establishing the definition of "done" prior to starting important projects.
By doing the above, it becomes easier to hold your boundaries because you have taken the time to actually create them. You are still an exemplary employee with a strong work ethic and a can do attitude, but now you are working from a place of strength instead of exhaustion. You have recognized that you can't walk on water, but have faith that you are putting YOUR BEST effort in because you are aligned with the definition you created above.
What happens if my employer doesn't like the changes I have made for myself? My answer to that is that we have no control over what others think about us. We only have control over how we respond to what they put out. If you have taken the time to express why your hours and (constant) availability have changed and it isn't received well, perhaps it is time to celebrate all you have learned and look for a new opportunity to be valued somewhere else.
Do you need help recalibrating your mindset? Is your desire to be seen as "the best" by everyone but yourself your priority? How is that serving you? I provide a safe space to explore what it might like to choose a different way. Reach out to me at jennifer@dailychoices.life or click here to schedule a free consultation.
