The 3 Stages of Life & Loving Someone Through Cancer.
I lost both my father and one of my best friend's to cancer, and as anyone who has watched a loved one die from this disease knows, there are three distinct stages that make up your life experience with them that will always be a part of your reality moving forward.
Stage 1 | The years of life before their diagnosis. These moments were filled with day to day living. There are memories that were created, Birthdays celebrated, frustrations or arguments, and there were times when everything else in life needed attention so you didn't talk for weeks. In this stage you both were able to take for granted that you'd be there for each other when you picked up the phone to call, or stopped by to visit.
Stage 2 | Life after diagnosis changes everything immediately. At first there is a hope coupled with denial and you are sure that this disease isn't going to take them, that they will fight and win because they are strong and amazing, and because life without them isn't an option or something that you can comprehend.
During this time, your love, your hope, and your fear are waves of emotion that you ride all day long. The time you spend together becomes precious. You don't always know what to say or do. I always wondered, is my presence actually helping or am I just being a huge over protective pain in their ass? The memories you're able to create during this time are bittersweet because they're tinged with both fear and expansive love.
The most difficult time in Stage 2 is when you find out from the doctors that the fight can't be won, and your hope for their recovery and deeper wish for their immortality is shattered. Suddenly you are out of time and caring for their needs requires both physical and mental strength and a resilience to exhaustion of a kind you didn't know you were capable of holding. Every action is motivated by love.
In the moments when you aren't with them, and you have to engage with the rest of the world, it feels like you are interacting with people from behind a veil. People talk about day to day joys and frustrations and you hear them, but can't quite relate in your usual way.
On your side of the veil, what becomes most vivid is seeing the beauty all around you, the shade of blue in the sky, the way the light hits the dew on the grass, the feel of cool air on your lungs. I was never sure if it was because I was empathically feeling and seeing these things on their behalf that made them more precious, or if it was simply the awareness I had reached because some part of me had been newly awakened to life.
Either way I was beginning to separate things in my life mentally between what was meaningful to me, and what no longer deserved my time or energy. This is when the seed gets planted for future change. This constant running catalogue of what's important vs not important starts to form in your mind, and it's this that begins to weigh on you once you hit stage three.
Stage 3 | Life shifts to yet another reality once they are gone. For weeks and months this stage is marked by the mental movies that run in your head about your loved one, and sadly the reel that gets the most time at first is the one of their last weeks and moments. I remember doing everything I could to switch to reels of happy memories, but without concentrated effort it was the end reel that would always take over.
My grief in both of these instances was marked by waves. I remember feeling relief for them being without pain, grieving hard for the loss of them + the resulting exhaustion, moments of wanting to hide from the world, moments where I needed to be with others, and as time went on, moments where I became very aware of what I needed to change in my life to make it feel more meaningful.
Wanting to make big shifts in our life after a loss is totally normal and natural, what you need to be careful of is jumping into major changes in order to avoid feeling your grief. Emotions are all dialed to 11, and it's easy to get triggered into lighting fire to your life in order to avoid the intensity of the pain. Remember to give yourself time to breathe with it and make a plan that will support you rather than adding further stress to what you've just been through.
If any of the above sounds familiar, then my heart goes out to you and I send you love.
I see you.
For myself, the big shift I made after my friend passed was to stop the tech work I was doing and lean into who I have always been, a people person, a listener, a cheerleader of other's joy, and a strong supporter of people stepping into who they are and unapologetically being themselves. This is who I am meant to be and a part of who I have always been.
Recently I realized that who I wanted to work with are other women in mid life who have suffered a loss of a loved one to cancer, and are ready to rebuild their lives based on that catalogue of what’s Important vs Not Important that they started to cultivate in Stage 2. You understand that time is precious, you know that holding back isn't serving you any longer, and yet making the shift to step into this new path feels daunting.
I want to help you take your next steps because it took me 5 years to fully start my coaching business and I have an understanding of the things that might be holding you back. I don't want to see you get stuck the way I did, because the spark of the idea for this change in your path was born during a sacred time in your life. You know that it's time to honor it.
I believe in you.
